Wednesday, January 26, 2011

A Random Review

Introducing: Thing that I am Enjoying!

Every so often when I am stuck for an idea, or I’ve not done anything in a while and I just want to reassure everyone that I am still posting, (or I’m too damn lazy to do a long blog post) I shall do a review of something. That something will be my ‘Thing that I am Enjoying’.

Today’s Thing: Richard Costain’s Hair AKA - The Hair of Wonder!

I first encountered Costain’s hair around 8 years ago at a weekend away at Mallmore. It was a wondrous moment. There it was, perched atop Costain’s face. Instantly it was a friendship that would last. Of course I had to accept the inevitable truth - in order to enjoy the ‘HAIR OF WONDER’ I would have to put up with Richard as well. But it was a price I was willing to pay. For his hair truly was full of love and happiness and all the joys of the world.

Since then I have built up a good strong friendship with Richard. He is an added bonus to the wonderousness that his hair carries around within itself. However, he will only ever remain second best to his most enviable feature.

Over the years the hair has been cut, yet somehow it still retains its hugeness in essence. Honestly this is hair that could be completely shaved off , and Richard could be bald, and yet the aura of his hair would follow him round. Like a big ghost ‘fro.

Does this stop me from entering into a period of mourning every time Richard goes for a haircut?

No it bloody well does not. Because in my head I have a very special vision for Richard’s hair. I want Richard to grow his hair until he is a Manx version of Alan Davies - specifically Alan Davies n Jonathan Creek, when his hair was at its peak.

At which point I shall cut my hair like Caroline Quentin’s and we shall solve allll the mysteries of the world!

The Hair is an entertainment feature in itself.
Bored for something to do? No matter!
Ping some of Richard's curls.

Try to poke your finger into a ringlet without touching the sides.

See how long his hair really is by stretching it out.

Endless Entertainment!

However, this hair is not all fun and games.
We must all remember that with great power comes great responsibility. Costain’s hair is no exception to this.

Not since Sampson has hair held this much power within its tiny follicles.
Should Costain’s hair ever decide to take the path of Evil, we would surely all be doomed.

The Hair could reign supreme, holding us all within its tightly curled dictatorship.

We would be forced to keep our heads shaved, so that none may challenge Costain’s Hair’s Authority over us all.

We would be set to work combing and conditioning, slaves to the Hair of Wonder.

Let us all pray that this never comes to pass...

However, if you are reading this in the future and it has all come true, I hereby announce myself as a prophet, and demand that you all hail me as such.
And give me a prophet’s hat.

Pros: Epic in size. Bouncy and springy curls. Is clearly full of joy and wonder. Provides endless entertainment.
Cons: Requires experienced hairdressers. Causes misery to me every time it needs to be cut. May possibly one day take over the world. Odd looking when wet.


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Estate Fail

I don’t cope well with failure.
This is a shame because I happen to fail quite often.
Even though I’m a winner.

I am also super-competitive, and when I feel like someone has challenged me, I want to prove that I CAN DO IT! It’s ever so slightly medieval.

Even when someone sets me a stupid task, like… oh, I don’t know… writing a blog post about Estate Agents.
Yeah. That’s right. Estate Agents.

Well, guess what. Estate Agents aren’t funny. They aren’t even slightly humorous.

That’s not to say I didn’t try to find some way of doing it.
Because I tried alright.
I’ve been trying for the past couple of weeks.
I’ve tried so hard I feel like my brain is coming out of my ears.

It was a task that I had been set, and I was going to get it done.

I went through different stages of how I approached an estate angent centralled blog.








Unreasonable logic

Murderous rage

And then I drew this:

Happy now?
And so I present to you all, not a post about Estate Agents - but a post about how Estate Agents made me fail.
And Chaz? I’m plotting your demise. Seriously. Watch your back. Because I could be anywhere.

Saturday, January 8, 2011


This post is dedicated to Miss Keable. And her crazy demented problems with repetition.

Today I am hating words.
Not all words, for some of them are lovely.
Like ricochet, which is one of the best words. I love ricochet.

I also like palindromes. There is nothing quite as beautiful as a palindrome. Words like ‘reviver’, ‘minim’ and ‘evitative’ make me want to dance around and pick daisies.

I recently found out that there are people with the name ‘Zerimar Ramirez’. I want to find one of these people so we can be married, and then we can run around in a palindrome world, and pick beautiful daisies together!

And then we would go and live in Neuquen in Argentina and have children called ‘Anna’, and ‘Hannah’ and ‘Eve’, and I would have to kill all the boys because I can’t think of any male palindromes!

And people would be like ‘wow, your life is so beautiful and symmetrical! Can I come and live with you?’ And I’d be all like ‘No!’

But some of the other words! Gah! They make me go crazy and want to stab them. In the eyes.

Today this word is ‘ridiculous’.
This is because it is in fact ridiculous.

No matter how hard I try, I can never spell it right first time. I want to put ‘e’ instead of the first ‘i’, then I want to spell the ending in a way that wouldn’t even make sense if I tried to pronounce it. Because this does not happen with many other words, I have deduced that it can not be my brain that is wrong, it is the word that is stupid.

I am also not loving the way that my spell check automatically changes my s’s to z’s in words where there should be no z.

If I say that I want to organise something - then I want to organise it! I don‘t want to organize it - putting a z in it makes it dirty and wrong. It should be ashamed of itself.

Then I noticed that all my -our’s were being changed to -or. Color?! Labor?! What are these monstrosities that have been vomited upon my page by the hideous and unscrupulous American spell check that inhabits my laptop?!

And why has my laptop suddenly decided it wants to be American anyway?! It was doing fine before, with it’s lovely English spellings. But now! Now all it wants to do is eat fried chicken and will only answer to the name ‘Billy Bob’.

However, today, one of biggest problems I am facing is with words that have ceased to be words due to overuse.
This happened the other week when I was writing the post about the ulcer. I had to write the word ‘ulcer’ down, a lot. After a while ‘ulcer’ stopped looking like a word. It started looking like a mess. I was doubting my spelling of it. I started to try to spell it different ways, to see if any of them looked any better.

I went and looked at an online dictionary to make sure it was correct.

Then I checked a physical dictionary in my house because I couldn’t trust the internet with a task of that level of importance.

I’m just dreading the day when my spellchecker will automatically change my sentences to text speak...

and my brain shall explode.

Disclaimer: I would not kill a child, nor would I condone that action.

Just making sure we’re all clear here.

EDIT: I have just been reliably informed that Zerimar Ramirez is, in fact, a girls name. I have decided I don't care.