Thursday, December 23, 2010

A Public Service Announcement

Today I am blogging on a serious issue that affects how I live my day to day life.
This issue is one that fills me with despair every time I think about it, and the fear is crippling.

Zombies are real.

I know what you’re thinking,
‘Oh no! Zombies! I’m going to die! I am going to be eaten by the walking dead! They will pull out my guts and feast upon them. The streets will be overrun by corpses wandering around. My children are all going to be chewed on by the deceased! My children’s children will never be born because WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!’

But don’t despair! Because zombies are not walking the streets and attacking you or your children! Phew!

But now DO despair because the zombies are attacking us FROM THE SKIES! And they are not going to rip open your stomach, they are going to CONTINUALLY BUMP INTO YOUR LIGHTBULB AND TRY TO LAND ON YOU! AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!

Yes, the zombies of which I speak are moths.
Moths are nothing more than zombie butterflies.

Brown, papery, whispery, dead butterflies, that fall apart and turn to dust when you touch them.
Also they bite other butterflies and turn them into moths too.

The rumour is that moths are another species, but I am exposing this as a fraudulent claim.

‘So what should I do if faced with a Zombutterfly?’ I hear you cry.
The answer? One simple word….

‘Can’t we just remove the head or destroy the brain?!’ You ask me because you have watched too many films and think that you are an expert and want to sound clever.

You can! IF you want to go to all that trouble. Zombutterflies are fiddly fluttery little bastards, and spend a lot of time in the air.
So it’s fortunate that there are many different ways of destroying a Zombutterfly.
I have my favourite ways, though you might have your own.
As long as the Zombutterfly is no more, it doesn’t matter how it is done.

(For the pacifists - turn a light on in another room. Zombuterflies are scary, but also stupid. They will be attracted to the other light and feck off.)

Don’t let the ZOMBUTTERFLY trick you into pitying it by thinking it is just a deformed or ugly butterfly.

If they try to trick you, just say…
This public service announcement was brought to you by EXACERBATION of the SITUATION.

1 comment:

  1. They also make a delicious treat for cats and watching kittens chase them make me laugh