Friday, December 24, 2010

Unwanted Visitors

This past week I have had a useless and unwanted visitor. He arrived out of nowhere and has made me feel awful and ugly ever since he arrived. Fortunately he is now dying. And I am watching his demise with eager anticipation.

His name is Ulcer.

He grew last week on the inside of my lower lip, and has been causing me misery ever since. He has been so prevalent in my life this past week that I stopped referring to him as ‘the ulcer’ and he became just ‘Ulcer.’
I considered for a time setting up a bank account for him and getting him a national insurance number. It seemed like Ulcer was here to stay.

He decided to set up in a place where he would cause the most pain to me - right where he would rub against my tooth whenever I spoke or moved or breathed. It was like he was punishing me - but for what I did not know.

He was a nuisance, but I was just about tolerating him. After all, he couldn’t stay forever.
Then I woke up to a hideous surprise.
For some reason, his little bastard brother had decided to visit and hang out next to him. Instead of shrinking and leaving he was multiplying!
That’s when I started to spiral into a ulcer induced depression. Fear started to set in.
Would my ulcer ever leave?

It felt huge already - when I looked in the mirror I could tell that it hadn’t affected my face on the outside.
But I *felt like the elephant man. In my head I looked like this:

I would walk down the street wondering whether people could tell. I would worry that my face was slowly expanding.
And now there was another ulcer! Ulcer Jnr had come along, and it looked like he was here to stay.
There was only one way this could go.
My elephantine face was going to get worse.
Before long I would be carting my expanding ulcer-face in a bucket.

But what if it continued to grow? I’d need something bigger.

Then no one would ever love me. I’d be hideous. I could never have a boyfriend, or get married. I’d have to share my bed with Ulcer! There’d be no room for anyone else.

I was in effect DOOMED to a life alone. With noone but Ulcer for company. I’d go mad. I’d start thinking of Ulcer as another human - my Siamese twin.
I would be Tom Hanks in Castaway.
My first ray of hope came yesterday. Ulcer Jnr was no more.
Over the course of the day Ulcer seemed to be fading. Perhaps he was pining for Ulcer Jnr, or maybe he just knew his time was nearly at an end. This morning he looked terminal.

I anticipate that he will be dead be the end of today.
Just in time for Christmas.

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